I’m hoping Mats Sundin comes to Vancouver, takes his $20 million, eliminates the Canucks from any cap space to add somebody at the trade deadline when they’re 10th in the conference looking to make the post season, gets his scheduled injury at crunch time and once again leads his team to a “maybe next year” finish.
Do you know what an anagram is? It’s where you have a word or sentence, scramble all the letters up and come up with something different. For example, SLOT MACHINES would become CASH LOST IN ‘EM. So I was working on one along these lines. THE CANUCKS PLAYED MATS SUNDIN becomes STACKED HAND, MINUS STANLEY CUP.
Other things to watch for this year with the Canucks:
–Steve Bernier scores 15 goals, just like always, and management convinces the media he should have scored more. In fact, they should convince everybody about a remarkable year considering 15 goals under Alain Vigneault means 40 somewhere else.
–Contract talks with the Sedins get leaked suggesting they are looking for significantly more than the Canucks can afford. Mike Gillis addresses all these questions with belligerence and a condescending attitude.
–Roberto Luongo has stretches of games where Vancouverites talk about the Stanley Cup, but late in the season, a few alert members of the press notice his success goes alongside the success of the players fulfilling Vigneault’s system.
–The aforementioned Luongo stops talking to reporters because he’s sick of justifying his elite goalie status despite non-elite goalie play.
–The Canucks score fewer goals than last season.
–Taylor Pyatt finally lets someone know he’s sick of playing for Vigneault and looks to take his hot girlfriend with him to a play-off contender before the trade deadline.
–Sami Salo suffers several injuries this year.
–Vigneault continues to bench young players like Ryan Shannon and Mason Raymond because they don’t honour his defense at all costs system of play.
–The Canucks suck at shootouts again.
–Desperate for offense, Gillis trades Kevin Bieksa and more draft picks he’s running out of for an uncircumcised Euro who’s been underachieving for three years but could score (allegedly) if the situation for him was right.
–Markus Naslund and Brendan Morrison play well for New York and Anaheim respectively.
I didn’t consult Nostradamus.
And last with the Canucks, surprisingly, they’ve raised ticket prices for the umpteenth straight year. This time, it’s because player salaries have raised 15 per cent, so they’re giving fans a bargain because they’re only raising ticket prices 7.5 per cent. Nice scam, scumbags. First of all, Sundin hasn’t taken the $20 million yet, so your player costs are less than last year so far, and despite what player salaries are, clubs are guaranteed 54 per cent (or thereabouts) of revenues. With players putting money into escrow, all the escalating ticket prices do is increase the revenue pool for both players and clubs, so don’t try to sell us on it being the cost of doing business. Once again, lies, lies, lies.
This has been a Jeff Jeffrey production.