Archive for the 'Hockey' Category

Hockey Betting Sure Winner

January 15, 2009

It seems that there is one sure bet in sports betting these days and that is if you bet against the Vancouver Canucks winning any game they are playing. The Canucks GM wasted ½ of the season waiting for the past his prime center Mats Sundin. Sure he was a hell of a hockey player but he never really helped the Toronto Maple Leafs win anything of significance so what makes him think he will do anything for the accolade starved Canucks?

While I am at it what about that useless coach Alain Vigneault? Sure the Canucks’ best player Roberto Luongo has been injured for the past 20 games or so but what about the rest of the team, have they not been playing and practicing for all that time? Sure the players have to take some of the heat for how bad they suck at the power play and the penalty kill but really does it not reflect more on poor management? And how about the ineffectiveness of this team on the shoot out, what’s that al about?

Sad to say that as far as betting on hockey games goes the only sure bet is that the Vancouver Canucks are not going to win their games, home or away, so why not make some money on a sure thing.

The Canucks suck and they always will because the Vancouver fan base will continue to support mediocrity by continuing to sell out this over priced, under performing bunch of junior players dressed up as professionals.

It is like I have always said…

it doesn’t matter how big of a super star you bring to Vancouver in the end all you are doing is turning him into a Canuck!”

E. Zack Lee

Mats Sundin comes to Vancouver

August 1, 2008

I’m hoping Mats Sundin comes to Vancouver, takes his $20 million, eliminates the Canucks from any cap space to add somebody at the trade deadline when they’re 10th in the conference looking to make the post season, gets his scheduled injury at crunch time and once again leads his team to a “maybe next year” finish.

Do you know what an anagram is? It’s where you have a word or sentence, scramble all the letters up and come up with something different. For example, SLOT MACHINES would become CASH LOST IN ‘EM. So I was working on one along these lines. THE CANUCKS PLAYED MATS SUNDIN becomes STACKED HAND, MINUS STANLEY CUP.

Other things to watch for this year with the Canucks:

Steve Bernier scores 15 goals, just like always, and management convinces the media he should have scored more. In fact, they should convince everybody about a remarkable year considering 15 goals under Alain Vigneault means 40 somewhere else.

–Contract talks with the Sedins get leaked suggesting they are looking for significantly more than the Canucks can afford. Mike Gillis addresses all these questions with belligerence and a condescending attitude.

Roberto Luongo has stretches of games where Vancouverites talk about the Stanley Cup, but late in the season, a few alert members of the press notice his success goes alongside the success of the players fulfilling Vigneault’s system.

–The aforementioned Luongo stops talking to reporters because he’s sick of justifying his elite goalie status despite non-elite goalie play.

–The Canucks score fewer goals than last season.

Taylor Pyatt finally lets someone know he’s sick of playing for Vigneault and looks to take his hot girlfriend with him to a play-off contender before the trade deadline.

Sami Salo suffers several injuries this year.

–Vigneault continues to bench young players like Ryan Shannon and Mason Raymond because they don’t honour his defense at all costs system of play.

–The Canucks suck at shootouts again.

–Desperate for offense, Gillis trades Kevin Bieksa and more draft picks he’s running out of for an uncircumcised Euro who’s been underachieving for three years but could score (allegedly) if the situation for him was right.

Markus Naslund and Brendan Morrison play well for New York and Anaheim respectively.
I didn’t consult Nostradamus.

And last with the Canucks, surprisingly, they’ve raised ticket prices for the umpteenth straight year. This time, it’s because player salaries have raised 15 per cent, so they’re giving fans a bargain because they’re only raising ticket prices 7.5 per cent. Nice scam, scumbags. First of all, Sundin hasn’t taken the $20 million yet, so your player costs are less than last year so far, and despite what player salaries are, clubs are guaranteed 54 per cent (or thereabouts) of revenues. With players putting money into escrow, all the escalating ticket prices do is increase the revenue pool for both players and clubs, so don’t try to sell us on it being the cost of doing business. Once again, lies, lies, lies.

This has been a Jeff Jeffrey production.

Trevor Linden Retires

June 11, 2008

A press conference is set for tomorrow where it is expected that long time fan favorite Trevor Linden will announce his retirement. If this is true then I want to thank him for all of his years of service to the Vancouver Canucks and the community. I know that Trevor played with other teams as well as representing players through his involvement with the NHLPA but, I’ll save those thanks for now.

As a Vancouver Canuck, Trevor Linden tallied 415 assists and 318 goals for a total of 1,140 points. As an NHL player Trevor scored a total of 375 goals and 492 points for 867 points in 1,382 games for Canucks, Washington Capitals, Montreal Canadiens and New York Islanders.

As a humanitarian Trevor Linden was practically a fixture at the BC Children’s Hospital and Canuck Place, a hospital for terminally ill children. In 1995 Trevor put together the Trevor Linden Foundation to raise money for local charities and hosts an annual golfing event as a fundraiser for BC Children’s Hospital. For all of that and more Vancouver’s favorite Canuck also received the Order of British Columbia in 2003.

Best to you Trevor and I for one hope you have a wonderful retirement.

E. Zack Lee

Vancouver Canuck Luc Bourdon Dead at 21

May 29, 2008

The Vancouver Canucks and their fans are reeling after the news that top prospect Luc Bourdon was killed in a motorcycle accident in northern New Brunswick on Thursday morning. He was 21.

Bourdon, a promising young defenceman who played his junior hockey with the Moncton Wildcats, Cape Breton Screaming Eagles and Val d’Or Foreurs of the QMJHL, split his first pro season in 2007-08 between Vancouver and the Canucks’ farm team, the American Hockey League’s Manitoba Moose.

He scored two goals and was a plus-7 in 27 games with the Canucks last season. The Shippagan, New Brunswick native was drafted 10th overall by the Canucks in 2005 and was among the last pre-season cuts at training camp just a few months later.

He was an integral part of Brent Sutter’s gold medal-winning squad in the 2006 World Junior Hockey Championship and ended the season with Ted Nolan’s Moncton Wildcats in the Memorial Cup.

After a nine-game stint with the Canucks the following season, he was returned to the QMJHL and helped lead Canada win its third straight gold medal at the world juniors.

Inglewood Jack – Jules the Pulp Fiction Coach

April 25, 2008

Pulp Fiction was a great movie and this film was inspired, in part, by this great movie by Quentin Tarantino. Starring in this viral video is Samuel L Jackson and the one and only Chris Chelios.

Chris reflects on his early days in hockey and some of the coaches he had. Chris goes on to describe his favorite coach, Jules Winnfield and his particular style of coaching.

New Hockey Stick for Luongo

April 1, 2008

News just came out of the Vancouver Canucks leadership that they have decided to equip the Canuck goalie – Roberto Luongo – with a new stick!

Roberto Luongo's new hockey stickThe major reason for this decision has not come due to the star goalie’s inability to stop pucks from entering his own net but rather from his inability to put pucks into opponent’s net – inability to score.

This may come as a surprise to many of you hockey fans since what does a goalie have to do with scoring. Well, in Vancouver it may be the key component they are missing in order to produce some potent and enjoyable hockey games.

The logic behind this decision goes like this:

“The best player on our team is the goalie; In fact he is the best goalie in the whole league! So let’s exchange his fat stick for a proper shooting one and he may become the best scoring player on our team; In fact he may be the next Ovechkin!”

It is a good reasoning and I won’t argue that; In fact I said this in January. And it makes total sense because when things are going not so well you should try to do everything with every player you have.

Viva new Luongo’s hockey stick!

Stanoo Calista

Popular Internet Auction Site Crashes due to Volume of Submissions

March 27, 2008

The world’s leading Internet auction site that shall remain nameless due to their extensive war chest earmarked for legal issues such as Trade Mark infringements has reportedly crashed today due to mass submissions over a very short period of time.

It turns out that immediately after the Vancouver Canucks loss to the Colorado Avalanche on March 26, 2008; fans of the once entertaining and popular ice hockey club began putting their seats on the Canucks bandwagon up for auction on the popular San Jose, California based online auction site.

Given that the Vancouver Canucks are the entire province’s only source of major league sports entertainment, the bandwagon potential for this team is quite huge. With the staggering loss to the team the other night in Denver, the trickle of auction submissions soon turned into a raging torrent that brought the auction site’s servers down.

One auction submitter who goes by the handle “WeNeedANewCoach” posted on his auction page;

“one extra wide Vancouver Canuck Bandwagon seat up for auction to the highest bidder. Bandwagon seat features 1 Red Heating Lamp in the back that never seems to turn off but to compensate for dat der iz an ever full bottle of water eh.”

A spokesman for the popular auction site informed us that the problem was only temporary and full service was restored quite quickly. When asked if there was any concern of this happening again he informed us that as far as he understood it the season is almost over for the beleaguered hockey team and given the lack of activity regarding those bandwagon seat auctions, the public doesn’t seem to be too interested in securing any of these empty seats so the odds of the site going down are about as good as the odds of the Canucks making the playoffs.

When the Vancouver Canuck star goaltender Robert Luongo was contacted about the auction site going down he allegedly responded with

“That’s not me, I don’t think we need a new coach, and besides… I don’t have time to think about hockey these days; my wife is having a baby soon.”

We tried to get a comment from Vancouver Canucks ex-captain Trevor Linden regarding the fate of the team and the lack of band wagon seat action but seeing we are not actual members of the press we couldn’t get into the press box to see him.

E. Zack Lee

Toronto Maple Leafs Schedule

February 1, 2008

Given the state of the Toronto Maple Leaf’s play as of late the team brain trust felt that they should go after teams that they might actaully have a chance at beating. The NHL Board of Governors got together and under a special founder’s rule, allowed the Leafs to re-schedule.

Toronto Maple Leafs Revised 2008 Schedule

15 vs. Bloomington Jr. High School Girls
22 vs. Cub Scout Troop #101
29 vs. CNIB Senior Team

5 vs. Spanish-American War Vets
12 vs. Crippled Children’s Hospital
19 vs. St. Cloud Home for Wayward Girls
26 vs. Girl Scout Troop #69

5 vs. Ontario VD Clinic Post #3
12 vs. Church Street Boy’s Choir
19 vs. Korean War Amputees
26 vs. VA Hospital Polio Patients

Special Monday Night Game:
March 3 vs. Utopia Gay Boys

Name Change:
The Toronto Maple Leafs will be changed to the Toronto Tampons’ as they are only good for one period, and they don’t have a second string.

Coaching Change:
Paul Maurice will be replaced by Pamela Anderson. No doubt she will blow a few, but she won’t choke up on the BIG ONE.

Rule Changes:
1. When playing the Girl Scouts, the Leafs must not eat their cookies.

2. The Leafs will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time during the game.

3. When playing the Polio Patients, the Leafs must not disconnect any of the leg braces.

4. There will be no more dancing with opposing teams, like the last time they played the Utopia Gay Boys.

5. The Leafs MUST PROMISE to remember that when the referee drops the puck, this signals the beginning of play. This is to ensure that no more time will be wasted while the Leafs try to figure out what just happened.

6. The Leafs must also stop tangling the crippled children in the net mesh.


And while on the topic of the Leafs….

What does Toronto have that Montreal doesn’t?
Black and white photographs of their last Stanley Cup.

What do the Leafs and The Titanic have in common?
They both look good until they hit the ice.

Why don’t the Maple Leafs drink tea?
Because the Canadiens have all the cups.

What’s the difference between the Leafs and a cigarette machine?
The cigarette machine has PLAYERS.

E. Zack Lee

Alain Vigneault – to Roberto Luongo Play Better?

January 24, 2008

Alain Vigneault, head coach of the Vancouver Canucks, reportedly informed star goaltender Roberto Luongo that he needs to play better. While it is true that the Canucks have not been playing well as of late, you can hardly blame that on our beleaguered goalie.

Sure the Canucks could use a little help on defense right now but that isn’t even completely to blame for the Canuckle-heads losing streak. This entire season there has been a serious lack of scoring and while this is a problem it isn’t even the main problem as people used to go to see this team play even when they were losing in the past.

The biggest problem for this team is the boring style of play that can only be blamed on the Vancouver Canucks brain trust. This defense first style is absolutely boring, boring, boring. The other night a co-worker couldn’t attend the Canuck VS. Wild game and he had the hardest time even giving the tickets away.

In fact he ended up giving them to me and the only people that I could give them away to were a couple of women I know that had never been to a pro hockey game before. They had fun but that was probably attributable to the alcohol and not having a basis for comparison.

Was Alain Vigneault’s suggestion to Roberto Luongo warranted? Perhaps he could play a little better and that might happen if he had the inspiration of his teammates scoring some goals of their own.

So Alain Vigneault’s message to Roberto Luongo of “Play better” could probably be read as “Play better Luongo – or I’ll lose my coaching job because my system isn’t keeping the fans entertained.”

I gotta be honest here folks – even when the Canucks are winning games these days it is so boring to watch that I find myself not even caring because I am far more entertained by the grass growing and some paint drying. Thank God for alternative forms of entertainment!

E. Zack Lee

Hockey Fights

January 21, 2008

If the NHL is good for 1 thing it is good for watching fights. These guys get so wound up with emotion that it often manifests itself into fisticuffs and for some reason; some people, especially Americans, are offended by this. To me this just doesn’t make any sense given all of the violence and crime related programming on American television. Don’t believe me? Tune into A&E one day and make note of all of the shows on there during the day, CSI this and CSI that, The First 48, American Justice and Cold Case files to name but a few. Perhaps the reason Americans don’t tune into hockey is because it actually isn’t violent enough?

To those who think that it isn’t violent enough and for those who think it is just another part of the action packed game, check out the video from a game between the Ottawa Senators and the Philadelphia Flyers and let me know what the hell is wrong with this product?

E. Zack Lee