Posts Tagged ‘Roberto Luongo’

Mats Sundin comes to Vancouver

August 1, 2008

I’m hoping Mats Sundin comes to Vancouver, takes his $20 million, eliminates the Canucks from any cap space to add somebody at the trade deadline when they’re 10th in the conference looking to make the post season, gets his scheduled injury at crunch time and once again leads his team to a “maybe next year” finish.

Do you know what an anagram is? It’s where you have a word or sentence, scramble all the letters up and come up with something different. For example, SLOT MACHINES would become CASH LOST IN ‘EM. So I was working on one along these lines. THE CANUCKS PLAYED MATS SUNDIN becomes STACKED HAND, MINUS STANLEY CUP.

Other things to watch for this year with the Canucks:

Steve Bernier scores 15 goals, just like always, and management convinces the media he should have scored more. In fact, they should convince everybody about a remarkable year considering 15 goals under Alain Vigneault means 40 somewhere else.

–Contract talks with the Sedins get leaked suggesting they are looking for significantly more than the Canucks can afford. Mike Gillis addresses all these questions with belligerence and a condescending attitude.

Roberto Luongo has stretches of games where Vancouverites talk about the Stanley Cup, but late in the season, a few alert members of the press notice his success goes alongside the success of the players fulfilling Vigneault’s system.

–The aforementioned Luongo stops talking to reporters because he’s sick of justifying his elite goalie status despite non-elite goalie play.

–The Canucks score fewer goals than last season.

Taylor Pyatt finally lets someone know he’s sick of playing for Vigneault and looks to take his hot girlfriend with him to a play-off contender before the trade deadline.

Sami Salo suffers several injuries this year.

–Vigneault continues to bench young players like Ryan Shannon and Mason Raymond because they don’t honour his defense at all costs system of play.

–The Canucks suck at shootouts again.

–Desperate for offense, Gillis trades Kevin Bieksa and more draft picks he’s running out of for an uncircumcised Euro who’s been underachieving for three years but could score (allegedly) if the situation for him was right.

Markus Naslund and Brendan Morrison play well for New York and Anaheim respectively.
I didn’t consult Nostradamus.

And last with the Canucks, surprisingly, they’ve raised ticket prices for the umpteenth straight year. This time, it’s because player salaries have raised 15 per cent, so they’re giving fans a bargain because they’re only raising ticket prices 7.5 per cent. Nice scam, scumbags. First of all, Sundin hasn’t taken the $20 million yet, so your player costs are less than last year so far, and despite what player salaries are, clubs are guaranteed 54 per cent (or thereabouts) of revenues. With players putting money into escrow, all the escalating ticket prices do is increase the revenue pool for both players and clubs, so don’t try to sell us on it being the cost of doing business. Once again, lies, lies, lies.

This has been a Jeff Jeffrey production.

New Hockey Stick for Luongo

April 1, 2008

News just came out of the Vancouver Canucks leadership that they have decided to equip the Canuck goalie – Roberto Luongo – with a new stick!

Roberto Luongo's new hockey stickThe major reason for this decision has not come due to the star goalie’s inability to stop pucks from entering his own net but rather from his inability to put pucks into opponent’s net – inability to score.

This may come as a surprise to many of you hockey fans since what does a goalie have to do with scoring. Well, in Vancouver it may be the key component they are missing in order to produce some potent and enjoyable hockey games.

The logic behind this decision goes like this:

“The best player on our team is the goalie; In fact he is the best goalie in the whole league! So let’s exchange his fat stick for a proper shooting one and he may become the best scoring player on our team; In fact he may be the next Ovechkin!”

It is a good reasoning and I won’t argue that; In fact I said this in January. And it makes total sense because when things are going not so well you should try to do everything with every player you have.

Viva new Luongo’s hockey stick!

Stanoo Calista

Alain Vigneault – to Roberto Luongo Play Better?

January 24, 2008

Alain Vigneault, head coach of the Vancouver Canucks, reportedly informed star goaltender Roberto Luongo that he needs to play better. While it is true that the Canucks have not been playing well as of late, you can hardly blame that on our beleaguered goalie.

Sure the Canucks could use a little help on defense right now but that isn’t even completely to blame for the Canuckle-heads losing streak. This entire season there has been a serious lack of scoring and while this is a problem it isn’t even the main problem as people used to go to see this team play even when they were losing in the past.

The biggest problem for this team is the boring style of play that can only be blamed on the Vancouver Canucks brain trust. This defense first style is absolutely boring, boring, boring. The other night a co-worker couldn’t attend the Canuck VS. Wild game and he had the hardest time even giving the tickets away.

In fact he ended up giving them to me and the only people that I could give them away to were a couple of women I know that had never been to a pro hockey game before. They had fun but that was probably attributable to the alcohol and not having a basis for comparison.

Was Alain Vigneault’s suggestion to Roberto Luongo warranted? Perhaps he could play a little better and that might happen if he had the inspiration of his teammates scoring some goals of their own.

So Alain Vigneault’s message to Roberto Luongo of “Play better” could probably be read as “Play better Luongo – or I’ll lose my coaching job because my system isn’t keeping the fans entertained.”

I gotta be honest here folks – even when the Canucks are winning games these days it is so boring to watch that I find myself not even caring because I am far more entertained by the grass growing and some paint drying. Thank God for alternative forms of entertainment!

E. Zack Lee